Monday, February 20, 2012

Formerly Food Addicted #2 - A Day in the Life

So, unfortunately the past week has been full of binges. It's so embarrassing. But, I still believe that one day this will be history...a part of my former life.

My weight is up to 266 now. The good news is that I know it will go back down to 260 if I can just make it a few days without a binge. Though I am sure binge eating disorder plays out differently for people, here is an example of what it looks like for me.

The day started out well. Eggs and an orange for breakfast. Sausage and peppers for lunch. For me it is usually evening when the insatiable desire to devour strikes. I'm usually not even hungry at the time. Still, there is this beckoning that won't let me go. So, I give in. I generally only keep healthy foods in my house, but the binge "requires" junk. My first stop was the grocery store to get cupcakes. I was hoping that this would be enough to calm the raging monster. I ate the 6 cupcakes I bought from the bakery, but the monster continued to haunt me. I headed out again, this time to a a specialty burger shop. Before entering the shop, I called in an order for a pizza so that I could be ready once my burger was done. Now armed with an overloaded burger and a pizza, I made one more stop. At the Taco Bell drive through, I bought a steak quesadilla and bean burrito.

I came home, put in my Frasier DVD, sat on the floor, and ate. I was still full from the cupcakes, and felt stuffed by the time I finished the burger - it was a "Cleveland Style" burger, layered with cole slaw and fries, on a pretzel bun. But the compulsion kept urging me. So, I ate it all - the burger, the whole pizza, the burrito, the quesadilla. I was so stuffed that I couldn't move. So, I lay there on the floor and went to sleep.

I hope I didn't disgust you, and for those who struggle, I hope this didn't tempt you. I'm just hoping that sharing my secret shame will be a stepping stone on my path towards freedom. It's time for me to revisit some of those skills I learned when I was seeing a counselor.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Formerly Food Addicted #1 - Stats

Food Addiction...compulsive eating disorder...binge eating disorder...whatever you want to call it, it is something that I have struggled with for years. According to an online medical dictionary, binge eating disorder can be defined as follows:
"Binge eating disorder (BED) is characterized by a loss of control over eating behaviors. The binge eater consumes unnaturally large amounts of food in a short time period, but unlike a bulimic, does not regularly engage in any inappropriate weight-reducing behaviors (for example, excessive exercise, vomiting, taking laxatives) following the binge episodes." Source:

It's more than just simply overeating. It's an embarrassing, shameful, problem that sometimes renders me feeling helpless and powerless. But I am not without hope. And I believe that this monster can be conquered! 
At my highest weight last year, I tipped the scales at 275 pounds. I lost some weight, but have put most back on due to a fracture in my foot that has been slow to heal. So, I stand now at 260 pounds. My immediate goal is to see 200 pounds, but ideally I could stand to lose a total of 100 pounds. I'm 5'9'', so 175lbs would be a decent weight for me. I have to admit that when I was losing weight before, I was exercising like a madwoman. That extreme exercise helped me to lose in spite of frequent binges that were probably 5,000 calories each. Since I have been off of my feet for 3 1/2 months now, it's a little harder to hide the damage done from my episodes. Still, I know from past experience that weight loss is almost 100% about how you eat. Exercise helps with toning, maintaining and gaining muscle mass, speeding metabolism, etc, but it's still possible to lose weight without exercise.
Today's stats
Weight: 260
Waist: 42''
Eating Behaviors: No binges today; semi-healthy food choices

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Formerly Frumpy #1 - Hirsutism

OUCH!!! That scream was a result of self inflicted pain, but it was all in the name of beauty. One of the things I am hoping to leave behind this year is my frumpy existence. Though I thoroughly enjoy looking nice, I can't say that I regularly put that much effort into it. I'm having an exceptionally frumpy day today, so I decided to do something about it.

Today's project was tackling the embarrassing problem known as hirsutism. For those who don't know, this is when females experience male pattern hair growth. (Yeah, not exactly dinnertime conversation.) Those who are PCOS sufferers like myself may know this problem all too well. And in the hustle and bustle that is life, there are days when I seem to forget this is a problem. Then I look in the mirror, as I did today, and see this forest of hair on my chin! OK, not really a forest. But, it was enough hair to notice. So, you guessed was time for a wax. To be economical, I decided that I would wax my chin myself instead of going to a salon to have it done.

After a few mishaps and a little pain, my chin is now hair free. I'm feeling less frumpy already. When I finish typing, my next stop will be to shape these raggedy nails and put a little polish on. Baby steps I know. But hey, radical change doesn't happen overnight.