Madness!

I can’t believe how long it has been since I have touched this blog. Well, one of my goals for the new year is to write on a more consistent basis, with a blog entry at least once a week. So, hold me to it!

So much has happened since I last signed off. I’ll share a little about the “madness” I endured in the past year. I am borrowing the term “madness” from a website I stumbled across called Stop the Thyroid Madness http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/  "Madness" is definitely an accurate way to explain my experience.

To put it simply - my body was falling apart. I noticed that I was all of a sudden putting on weight. I've struggled with my weight all my life, and since I was 35 at the time, I just figured that my body was experiencing slowing metabolism that comes with age. Still, it was quite a rapid weight gain - 40 pounds in a few months. I could not believe I was topping the scale at over 300 pounds!

But that wasn't the only problem - my beautician mentioned on several occasions that my hair seemed to be thinning. My fingernails had become brittle and broke easily. Then even more weird things began. My period stopped. I was diagnosed with PCOS in my early 20s and had been on birth control since then, which of course made my periods regular. I was still taking the pills, but no monthly cycle. I also began to experience random pains in my hands, legs and feet. Then my hands would cramp up to the point that I couldn't use them. Those episodes only lasted about 2 minutes at a time, but it was still odd and uncomfortable.

The final straw that sent me scrambling for answers was when I noticed my mood and mental capacity make a drastic change for the worst. During the winter months, I am generally less energetic than usual. But this was far different from the dips in energy levels I had experienced during previous winters. I was apathetic towards everything. I felt down for no reason. At work, I could not concentrate on my tasks. It was hard for me to figure out how to do things. Then, I started waking up, not wanting to go to work. I was taking more and more time off from my job.

During this time I had listened to a podcast of someone describing the symptoms of hypothyroidism, and I definitely had some. I went to see my primary care physician, and of course the first thing she wanted to do was prescribe an antidepressant. I told her that I wanted my thyroid tested since I had learned that symptoms of depression can be a result of thyroid problems. I refused the antidepressants, but did see a counselor for a few appointments.

While waiting on the results of the blood work, I took to the internet, reading as much as I could on the Stop the Thyroid Madness website and any other resource I could find. I read books on the topic. As many of my readings suggested, my TSH levels were in the normal range, and therefore the doctor did not see the need to do any of the additional thyroid testing. The same was true when I went to see an endocrinologist. So, I decided to pay out of pocket to have the additional testing done.

Armed with my new test results, I stumbled across one person’s online review of a doctor in my area who was willing to prescribe natural desiccated thyroid. I promptly made an appointment with him. He looked at my full thyroid panel and saw abnormalities. He started me on a low dose of Armour thyroid. He also took time to talk to me about nutrition and my other health issues (PCOS, diabetes). My blood work showed high C-Reactive Protein, and he suggested that dietary changes could calm the inflammation.  He was the first doctor that ever suggested that my diseases could be reversed and that I could be off of medication. He told me to read Wheat Belly  by Dr. William Davis and that I need to eat whole, natural foods and eliminate gluten. He also suggested that I only eat gluten free processed foods sparingly. When I told him that I really didn't like being on medication, and wanted to stop my birth control pills (since they weren't helping my period anyway) he supported that choice. I was worried about the return of my acne when stopping the pill, but he assured me that with time, the dietary changes would address the acne too - and he was right.

Well, very shortly after that I got the opportunity of a lifetime, which required me to move across the country - more about that in another post. It was definitely hard to leave a doctor that finally seemed to understand me. I still haven’t found a doctor in my new city that believes in a holistic approach to wellness. At least my new doctor  here did (reluctantly) renew my Armour thyroid prescription (“I don’t know why your doctor would start you out with this as your first medication. Most doctors start with Synthroid.”)

Here I am, in my new city - 40 pounds down from my nightmare weight, and totally motivated to continue the weight loss journey. I have mental clarity and the ability to focus again, which is imperative for my new stage in life. Oh yeah - my periods are coming like clockwork without birth control pills. The mysterious pains have vanished.

I have to admit that I am not 100% gluten free, but that is my goal. If I can see this much improvement with just a reduced amount of gluten, I can’t wait to see what happens when I eliminate it for good.

Zucchini "Spaghetti"

I am so excited about my new kitchen gadget. I learned about it when watching a video on my favorite YouTube Channel - Lean Secrets.If you have never seen her videos, I highly suggest subscribing to her channel.  Here is the video that inspired me.

In my efforts to reduce the amount of processed foods I consume, I was totally excited to try this out. And when I logged onto Amazon and saw that I had some rewards points to spend, I immediately ordered this spiral vegetable slicer:

Here is my zucchini on the slicer.

I crank the handle and the magic begins! Out comes the spirals.

I chose to put the "noodles" in a Ziplock Zip n Steam bag and microwave for 2 minutes. This is not necessary, though.

Rather than making meatballs, I browned a pound of chicken Italian sausage to make meat sauce. Just top with meat sauce, and voila! Dinner is ready

 This was absolutely delicious! I didn't miss the spaghetti at all!.

The slicer comes with two other blades to make other types of slices. But even if I only ever use it to make zucchini noodles, it is a worthwhile investment for me.

Formerly Food Addicted #9 - Grocery Haul

A new health food store recently opened in my town, so I decided to stop by. It was a little dangerous because I did not make a list before I went. But, I had fun.

Here is a list of what I bought, kind of moving from left to right, back to front...kind of:

1. coconut oil
2. dried apple rings
3. avocado
4. Gorgonzola cheese crumbles
5. Amazing Grass green superfood powder (I don't really like vegetables, so hopefully I can get a good dose of nutrients from this while I try to retrain my palate)
6. romaine salad mix
7. red bell pepper
8. grape tomatoes
9. strawberries
10. French fries ( I'm having a hard time letting my fry habit go, so I figure I can at least go with organic ones and bake them instead of going to the Wendy's drive thru)
11. Clemmy's sugar free ice cream - I was excited to finally try this ice cream that I have been hearing about. Natural ingredients
12. frozen raspberries
13. chicken wings
14. Kind Nut Delight bar
15. Metromint orangemint water - no sweeteners or artificial flavors
16. Poland springs sparkling water - raspberry lime - no sweeteners or artificial flavors
17. uncured center cut bacon
18. whole chicken - this was free! 

Have you tried any of these items?

Formerly Food Addicted #8 -Knowing Who I Am

It feels so good when you go several days in a row with no binges. I am making mostly healthy food choices, and enjoying it. My weight is back to moving in the right direction (check out my Weigh in Wednesday page each week).

I recently started reading Brain Over Binge. I haven't finished it yet, but I had sort of an epiphany while reading. The book reminded me that the binge behavior that beckons me is not really who I am. It is a struggle I have, but it is not representative of the real me. On a regular day, my inner desire is not to eat horrible foods in astronomical quantities. Even in the midst of a binge, it feels like there is a war going on - the part of me that doesn't want to binge is very much present, but has given up. So, in light if these thoughts, and the thoughts shared in the book, I was reminded that I do not have to give in to the binge. It is not who I really am, so I don't have to do it.

I thought it would be helpful to define who I really am and want to be as it relates to eating, so that I can refer to it when the monster appears:

I am striving towards optimal health

I have a healthy relationship with food

I enjoy eating a variety of nutrient rich foods

I continue to educate myself about nutrition

I eat minimal amounts of sugar and processed foods

When tempted to binge eat, I can be victorious through Christ because "....the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." 1 John 4:4b

Rather than entertain what the binge monster would have me taste, I would rather "Taste and see that the Lord is good..." Psalm 34:8a

Even in those moments when the compulsion seems unbearable

And I feel I can only get relief by giving in

I am reminded that I WILL NOT BE MASTERED BY ANYTHING

" All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything" I Corinthians 6:12

I am free

Formerly Food Addicted #7 - Arrrrggggghhhhh!

Arrrggghhhh! Well it is Weigh in Wednesday and I am so frustrated. I’m not at all surprised by the scale, but still frustrated. That’s the thing about binge eating. You can have an awesome week with no binging, and the weight starts to fall off. But, if it is followed by a binge week, your progress is erased in an instant. That is what happened in the past week.

Below you will find a food log from a few days - have I ever told you how much I despise food logs? But they provide useful information. I had a couple good days, followed by several binge days. I define good days as days that I stayed away from refined sugar and flour. The "good" days are by no means perfect. I also did the painful work of writing down what was eaten during binges - at least most of it.

Day 1 

Breakfast - chicken andouille sausage; protein shake (protein powder mixed with water)

Lunch - "steakhouse buffalo burger" (whole foods); broccoli with mixed peppers

Dinner - 6 meatballs in marinara sauce

Day 2

Breakfast - Chicken andouille sausage, 2 eggs with feta cheese crumbles cooked in coconut oil

Lunch - Meatballs in marinara; broccoli with peppers; large fries

Dinner - 3 slices of bacon and 3 strawberries - not hungry, but didn't want to go to gym on empty stomach

Post work out snack - 2 slices bacon

Day 3 (got up at 1a.m. to drive to 2 1/2 hours to be with my mom who became ill; I consider this a day of stress eating and overeating,  but it wasn't a full blown binge.)

4 miniature 3 musteers

4 cream filled cookies

Sausage egg and cheese muffin from burger king

Krispy Kreme apple pie (individual size)

Box of Nerds candy  (Large 6 oz box)

Turkey and cheese sandwich

2 cheese coneys (6 in each) and chili cheese fries

3 more cream filled cookies

Pineapples

Day 4

Breakfast - 3 slices bacon

Snack- 1/2 chicken  breast

Lunch - 4 large strawberries ; walnuts & almonds (100 calorie pack)

Dinner - Calamari salad

Day 5 (Binge day)

Breakfast - 4 slices of bacon

Lunch- 10 nuggets and fries from McDonald's, snickers ice cream bar

Binge: large cold stone ice cream with cookie dough, individual apple pie, box of jolly rancher chews, two small pizzas from Donatos, bag of chips, 4 ocean spray cranberry juices,  fries

Day 6 (Binge Day)

Didn’t record breakfast or lunch Day ended with a binge

2 large donuts; 8 donut holes, 2 cookies, frozen breakfast sandwich, piada sandwich,  3 orders of loaded fries from White castle

Day 7 (Binge Day)

Breakfast/lunch - 6 Jimmy Dean breakfast croissant sandwiches, 2 bananas

Dinner/Binge: 2 orders loaded fries, 2 sliders, oreo ice cream sandwich, "texas smoked sausage" sandwich, cheese roll up (Taco Bell)

It is what it is…I am where I am. It’s a little daunting to think how long it will take to undo this damage, so I am just going to take it one day at a time. Every Wednesday, feel free to check out my Weigh In Wednesday tab. Hopefully I will have some better news to report next week.

Formerly Sedentary #2 - Learning to Swim

No, the title is not some metaphor for one of life's events. I am 34 years old, and I do not know how to swim.

It's not because I didn't want to know how to swim. I've never been afraid of the water, and always enjoyed the few times each summer my parents took me to the pool. But, I was never become one of those lucky self-taught swimmers. I tried to mimic the actions of those frolicking in the water around me, but never successfully. Both of my parents went through life without knowing how to swim, so they didn't see the need to enroll us in swimming lessons.

So here I am - I desperately want to know how to swim. I absolutely love being in the water. There is something so freeing about it. Swimming would also be a great activity post-injury. I took my first group swimming lesson about 4 years ago. I followed that up with months of private swim lessons. I eventually stopped those because I felt that my progress had stopped, and the cost of private swim lessons did not seem worth it anymore since no progress was being made. It seems that most swim instructors believe that the freestyle stroke is the first stroke that should be mastered before moving on to others. I could float, I had strong kicks. I was told that I perfectly executed my arms. But no matter how much I try or practice, I just can't get the hang of the breathing. I'm not a quitter, but I'm starting to believe that perhaps I just won't ever get the hang of freestyle. Maybe another stroke will work better for me. Oh, and let's not talk about how much I've practiced treading water to no avail. I left a couple instructors baffled as to why their techniques weren't working for me.

Since my initial attempt at learning to swim, I have tried more private and group lessons, hoping to find the instructor that would have the right words or trick to help me with whatever I am doing wrong. It's so embarrassing to be in a class with adults who are in their first group swimming lesson, and can tread water the first time they try...and I've been trying for years.

Monday was my first group lesson since my injury. When this session is over, I will probably try a few private lessons again, if I can find an instructor who is willing to work with me on something else besides freestyle. I'll keep you posted on my progress :-)

Formely Sedentary #1 - Get Moving!

Well, the past few weeks have been disappointing to say the least when I look back at my eating habits. My mom being in the hospital isn’t helping things. So, I took a moment to reflect on what might get me out of this rut I’ve been in. That’s when I remembered how much I used to love to exercise.

I have been overweight all my life, but I discovered the joy of walking some years ago. I have walked in 5 half marathons so far. I also attended every exercise class I could work into my schedule. I wasn’t losing any weight, but I was working out enough to keep my weight steady in spite of my binges.

All of that came to a screeching halt last spring when I had an “ankle sprain” that wouldn’t go away. Suddenly, walking even one mile became a chore –forget walking 13.1. After taking a break from aerobics, and engaging in weeks of physical therapy, I was still in pain. Months later, an MRI would reveal that I had a fractured bone. So, I was in a walker boot for a month. Then I was referred to an orthopedic surgeon who told me that this type of fracture would not heal if I continued to walk on it. The next step was 6 weeks in crutches. Then 3 more weeks in the walker boot. (I had to take 2 months off of work during this process.) Six weeks of physical therapy, and lots of pain.

That leads us to the present. An MRI showed that the bone has healed properly. The doctor has determined that the pain I still experience on occasion is arthritis. Some days are good. Other days, walking can be excruciating. But when I asked about resuming physical activity, the doctor gave me the green light to do “whatever your pain will allow.”

Two days ago, I spent an hour walking around a local mall. It was much slower than I used to walk before my injury, but it felt good! Last night, I completed a 2 mile Leslie Sansone walk at home video. It was great to feel the surge of energy that comes when I complete a workout.  I have already decided that when I return home next week, I am going to take my bike in for a tune up, and start riding again. 

It’s hard to believe that it’s almost been a year since the injury first appeared. But, it’s time to put it behind me. I look forward to getting back to regular exercise, even if I can’t do so with as much intensity as I used to. Aside from the physical benefits, it helps to lift my mood. And who couldn’t use a little lift every now and then?

Formerly Food Addicted #5 - Overeaters Anonymous

I was listening to a health themed podcast the other day, and a woman shared her positive experiences from going to Overeaters Anonymous. She mentioned that her chapter encouraged members to abstain from sugar, as sugary foods can lead to binges. I have only been to about 5 OA meetings, but particular foods were not mentioned when it came to abstinence. Most people spoke of abstinence as it related to days without binges.

Still, it seems logical to avoid sugar. Aside from the obvious reason that refined sugar lacks nutritional value, it is interesting to consider that the sugar actually promotes binge behavior. I have been pondering lately the food-mood connection. For so long I attributed the "monster" of binge eating to my emotions. The more I read about nutrition, the more I am starting to believe that certain foods feed the monster. Perhaps being free of those particular foods is just as important as the prayer and counseling and support groups.

So, are there any OAers out there? Are you encouraged to avoid sugar?

Formerly Food Addicted #4 -Garbage Eating

Well, giving up sugary foods during Lent has been a challenge at times. Overall, my time spent in prayer is increasing, and that is the main purpose of this fast.

I will admit that it hasn't been perfect. There was that box of brownies, and that episode lead me to what is dubbed the "secret shame" in the video below.

Those who struggle with binge eating disorder/food addiction know all too well about the secret shame of garbage eating. It's when you've gotten so fed up with yourself in the midst of the binge, that you throw the food away in order to save yourself from further damage. You know - you bought 12 cupcakes, and after eating 10 of them (in addition to the other foods that were a part of the binge), you throw the last two away. Your hope is that by putting it in the trash, it will be off limits. But unfortunately, when the binge monster strikes again, you find yourself digging through the trash can, frantically searching for those 2 cupcakes as if they are you life source. It doesn't matter that they're buried in trash. You sit there, feeling helpless, and out of control. And you eat them, because it's the only way to get the monster to stop it's nagging.

I've been there so many times. I've never shared this with friends - before now - because it is so embarrassing. Still, I have hope.

Formerly Food Addicted #3 - Fasting

Fasting is a spiritual discipline practiced by many Christian denominations (and other religions too for that matter.) In the past I have done full fasts and partial fasts. Though it can be a challenging process, it always resulted with a feeling of spiritual renewal. But in the last few years that my food addiction has been out of control, I have not attempted to fast - because the last time I attempted one, I ended up binging, and I felt so defeated.

I decided to give it a go, on a small scale. During the Lenten season, I have decided to give up refined sugar - cupcakes, candy, cookies, donuts, etc. I chose sugar, for one, because it will definitely be a sacrifice for me. But it's not only sacrificial, but symbolic of my struggle against the compulsion to binge. Binges always consist of sugary treats or other unhealthy foods. So I feel that this fast is in essence waging war against the desire that seeks to control me.

I entered this fast with a different perspective. Instead of fearing failure, I go into this accepting my own limitations. I go into this acknowledging God's power to help me overcome temptation. I go into this acknowledging that God loves me enough to forgive me if I mess up, and He will receive me when I try again.

To all those fasting during this season, may we all grow closer to God and experience a spiritual awakening.

Formerly Food Addicted #2 - A Day in the Life

So, unfortunately the past week has been full of binges. It's so embarrassing. But, I still believe that one day this will be history...a part of my former life.

My weight is up to 266 now. The good news is that I know it will go back down to 260 if I can just make it a few days without a binge. Though I am sure binge eating disorder plays out differently for people, here is an example of what it looks like for me.

The day started out well. Eggs and an orange for breakfast. Sausage and peppers for lunch. For me it is usually evening when the insatiable desire to devour strikes. I'm usually not even hungry at the time. Still, there is this beckoning that won't let me go. So, I give in. I generally only keep healthy foods in my house, but the binge "requires" junk. My first stop was the grocery store to get cupcakes. I was hoping that this would be enough to calm the raging monster. I ate the 6 cupcakes I bought from the bakery, but the monster continued to haunt me. I headed out again, this time to a a specialty burger shop. Before entering the shop, I called in an order for a pizza so that I could be ready once my burger was done. Now armed with an overloaded burger and a pizza, I made one more stop. At the Taco Bell drive through, I bought a steak quesadilla and bean burrito.

I came home, put in my Frasier DVD, sat on the floor, and ate. I was still full from the cupcakes, and felt stuffed by the time I finished the burger - it was a "Cleveland Style" burger, layered with cole slaw and fries, on a pretzel bun. But the compulsion kept urging me. So, I ate it all - the burger, the whole pizza, the burrito, the quesadilla. I was so stuffed that I couldn't move. So, I lay there on the floor and went to sleep.

I hope I didn't disgust you, and for those who struggle, I hope this didn't tempt you. I'm just hoping that sharing my secret shame will be a stepping stone on my path towards freedom. It's time for me to revisit some of those skills I learned when I was seeing a counselor.

Formerly Food Addicted #1 - Stats

Food Addiction...compulsive eating disorder...binge eating disorder...whatever you want to call it, it is something that I have struggled with for years. According to an online medical dictionary, binge eating disorder can be defined as follows:

"Binge eating disorder (BED) is characterized by a loss of control over eating behaviors. The binge eater consumes unnaturally large amounts of food in a short time period, but unlike a bulimic, does not regularly engage in any inappropriate weight-reducing behaviors (for example, excessive exercise, vomiting, taking laxatives) following the binge episodes." Source: http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Binge-Eating+Disorder

It's more than just simply overeating. It's an embarrassing, shameful, problem that sometimes renders me feeling helpless and powerless. But I am not without hope. And I believe that this monster can be conquered! 

At my highest weight last year, I tipped the scales at 275 pounds. I lost some weight, but have put most back on due to a fracture in my foot that has been slow to heal. So, I stand now at 260 pounds. My immediate goal is to see 200 pounds, but ideally I could stand to lose a total of 100 pounds. I'm 5'9'', so 175lbs would be a decent weight for me. I have to admit that when I was losing weight before, I was exercising like a madwoman. That extreme exercise helped me to lose in spite of frequent binges that were probably 5,000 calories each. Since I have been off of my feet for 3 1/2 months now, it's a little harder to hide the damage done from my episodes. Still, I know from past experience that weight loss is almost 100% about how you eat. Exercise helps with toning, maintaining and gaining muscle mass, speeding metabolism, etc, but it's still possible to lose weight without exercise.

Today's stats

Weight: 260

Waist: 42''

Eating Behaviors: No binges today; semi-healthy food choices