Online Dating Experiment

OK, it's official. I am not a blogger. LOL. I definitely love writing, and write in a lot of random places, but not consistently on this blog.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way. One of the things I was planning to chronicle in this blog was my journey from being a sad single. Years ago in my 20s, I was totally depressed about being single. My parents married when they were in college, so I figured I would be married by 27 at the latest. But going through my 20s virtually dateless, I found myself desperate for a relationship/marriage. It was definitely a long journey, but through prayer, a focus on my relationship with God, and surrounding myself with a village of sisters in Christ to encourage me, I emerged from that low state. Praise God!

Ummm....but I emerged still dateless. I spend time reading books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Choosing God's Best, and hearing folks talk about how the man finds the woman and the woman should wait. I definitely respect those books and those messages, because it is difficult to find out the right way to date when the Bible was not written by people who had any concept of what we call dating. Still, my friends and I who were waiting on the Lord found ourselves waiting, and waiting, and waiting. It was after reading How to Find a Date Worth Keeping by Dr. Henry Cloud, one of the authors of Boundaries, that I found a more balanced look at how to date while still honoring Christ.

I had to acknowledge that I was not taking any personal responsibility for my lack of a dating life. When it comes to finding a job, applying to schools, working towards better health - any other area of our lives - we understand that there are things that we must do, while also praying for God's will. But for some reason we don't apply that same logic to dating - especially women. And for shy, introverts like myself, this spells a recipe for disaster. I rarely meet new people, and when I do they are women.  I have no male friends, and I realize that I really need to work on interacting with males as a part of my preparation to be a wife.

So, I decided to try online dating. (I feel like I need to mention this again here - I did a lot of work on myself before I came to this point - spiritual, emotional, financial work. A woman should first make sure she does the work through prayer, counseling, or whatever it takes to gain confidence in who God created her to be before she embarks on a journey to try to interact with more men. When you are confident and not desperate for a relationship, you can relax and interact with guys without fretting over whether or not he likes you or whether or not he will become your husband. Dating while desperate leads to multiplied hurt and disappointment.)

OK, back to what I was saying, I did some research on how to create an online dating profile, and I put myself out there! I tried the following:

• eHarmony
• Christian Mingle
• BlackChristianPeopleMeet
• BlackProfessionalPeople Meet

I had looked at online dating sites before, but this time I actually put my picture out there and paid for the sites that showed the most promise. eHarmony and Christian Mingle did not have any matches in my area, so I quickly left those. However, on BlackProfessionalPeopleMeet, there was a guy who I had a lot in common with...and he wrote in complete sentences! Go figure. I knew that I didn't want to get into a pen pal relationship, and that you can't really determine chemistry through email. So, I sent him a message letting him know that I had enjoyed our email exchanges, and I would open to meeting for coffee if he was interested. Guess what? He was interested and replied back with his phone number so we could arrange a time. I'm too embarrassed to say how many YEARS it had been since my last date, so needless to say, I was pretty excited about it.

I'll spend the next few blog posts reflecting on my experiences with online dating.

Formerly Afraid #1 - Afraid of What?

 There was a time when I was afraid of so many things. Now is the time to trade in my fear for a little bit of faith. I am already changing, and look forward to continued growth in these areas.

So what was I afraid of? So glad you asked!

Social interactions – The thought of going to an event that may require interacting with people I didn’t know used to be crippling. The easy way to deal with this was to avoid situations like this. I explained it away by saying that I was shy or a homebody.  But really, I was afraid. Simple things like eating in the break room when new to a job, or attending a party where I only know one person. They were terrifying experiences. The fear of what other people would think of me would overcome me. There were several times in the past when I would get dressed, in an attempt to go somewhere, only to chicken out as I was grabbing my keys to head out the door. I have come such a long way. I am not exactly a social butterfly now, but I do go places. And I even challenge myself to strike up a conversation every now and then.

Writing – As an elementary school student, I received recognition and won many awards for my writing. Somewhere along the way, I stopped making time to write. By the time I entered college, and then grad school, my life was consumed with academic writing. While cranking out paper after paper, I had no desire to do additional writing. This has led to my current struggle. The part of me that loves writing wrestles against the part of me that criticizes my skill – or lack thereof. I can’t help but ponder what kind of writer I could have become if I had never laid my pen down. What if I had continued to cultivate my craft through high school and college? Would I have been published by now? I have decided that rather than dwell on the what-ifs, I will just write. I am 34 years old. So in the grand scheme of things, there is still time to take classes and cultivate my skills as writer. That way I won’t be here 20 years from now, still wondering what if.

Cute guys – I know, I know. It’s crazy. I mean, of course I want to end up with a cute guy one day, so why would I be afraid of them? I remember a few years back when a friend was going to introduce me to a guy she knew from church. We were walking towards him, and the next thing I know, I was making my exit out the nearest door. It wasn’t until after she said to hello to him that my friend realized I was no longer next to her.  LOL. I could bore you with all the baggage from my past that fed this fear, but I won’t. I just know that it’s time to move on from this. The past year has been significant in that I have forced myself into situations that would require me to have small talk with men. And guess what? It didn’t kill me. As I have grown more secure in who I am in Christ, I don’t worry as much about what others think of me.

Let's grow!

Formerly a Sad Single #2 - Barrenness

In a previous post, I talked about how I was formerly as depressed single. I also admitted that in my new found place of joy, I still have some “moments.” Last year when I turned 34, I had a series of “moments.”

I had been in a mostly contented frame of mind for a few years. There was something about turning 34 that jerked me into a reality I had not considered – that I may never have a biological child. I know that fertility decreases each year after the age of 30, and pregnancies at 35 and older are usually considered high risk pregnancies. To further complicate things, I have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome), which is one of the leading causes of infertility in women.  Of course I know that I can be a mother by adopting, and adopting is something that I actually want to do. And of course I know that God can overrule infertility. Still, considering that I may never experience personal pregnancy – that was a hard pill to swallow.

As a Christian, I used to have a distorted view of emotions. Somehow I had concluded that expressing hurt or disappointment was also expressing a lack of faith. But I don’t think God gave us emotions so that we can spend our lives repressing them. Healthy emotional expression is necessary. I am thankful for the minister who recently reminded me that I can cry out to God and let him know my frustrations. And that is just what I did. I grieved my barrenness, and allowed him to be part of the grieving process. I let God know how disappointed I was about not having children. I cried, and I felt His love and concern. 

I am back to my place of joy. I still want to be married. I still want children. But those desires are back in proper perspective. Ultimately, God’s will is what I want –even if it means giving up some of the selfish things I desire. Technically I still have some child bearing years left. If more years pass, and I still find myself without a child, I will probably have to allow myself to grieve again. And that is OK.

By the way, if there are any married people who may be reading this, please stop trying to encourage your single, barren friends, by telling them how Sarah in the Bible gave birth in her old age. That is NOT encouraging. The thought of giving birth at 90 is enough to make someone depressed. LOL! Seriously though, allow your friend their space to grieve. Don’t discount their emotions. Cry with them; let them know that you love them.

To those who may be grieving barrenness, please know that God cares about your pain. He cares about your tears. He’s big enough to handle your disappointments. He’s great enough to heal your hurts.

Formerly a Sad Single #1 - Journey to Contentment

So why do I have a section titled "Formerly a sad single?" Well, I once viewed singleness as the bane of my existence. I thought God was punishing me, and was determined to figure out why. I'm still single today, but I am learning to – dare I say it – ENJOY my singleness.

My parents were married when they were in college, and I assumed I would have a similar story. So when I found myself with a Master’s degree, and no prospects of a husband, I felt lost. I had imagined that I would be starting my adult life as a married woman, and wasn't sure what to do with my single fate.

Friday nights consisted of listening to love songs, while crying into a pint of Haagen Dazs. Saturday nights were spent poring through the pages of bridal magazines, planning a wedding  that I could only pray would happen sooner than later. It was miserable to go day after day thinking about how no one had chosen me. No one deemed me good enough to be a wife. The thought of being single forever began to haunt me. I felt alone. I felt stuck - because after all, life didn’t really start until you met your life partner, right? 

Today, at age 34, my single life is different. I am enjoying my life. I am enjoying my friendships.  I am living. I still want to be married, and I definitely still have days when I cry out to God and ask “When?” But those are usually just fleeting moments. Most days I appreciate my single experience. I appreciate being able to manage/spend my money how I want without having to consider someone else. I love to cook. But, I appreciate the days when I can come home from work exhausted and have cereal for dinner, without anyone expecting me to produce a meal. In the winter time, I don’t feel the pressure to keep my legs shaved, because no one else sees them. :-) I can plan vacations on a whim. I can go wherever I want, whenever, without checking first with a spouse, and without worrying about securing a babysitter. See, there’s lots to enjoy about the single life.

There were a series of turning points that led me to where I am now. If I went into all of them, this post would be never ending. I will say that God was a part of each turning point that led me to a healthy view of my singleness. In future posts, I hope to encourage those who may be where I once was. I will also share my struggles and how I work through them.