In a previous post, I talked about how I was formerly as depressed single.
I also admitted that in my new found place of joy, I still have some “moments.” Last year
when I turned 34, I had a series of “moments.”
I had been in a mostly contented frame of mind for a few years. There was something
about turning 34 that jerked me into a reality I had not considered – that I
may never have a biological child. I know that fertility decreases each year
after the age of 30, and pregnancies at 35 and older are usually considered
high risk pregnancies. To further complicate things, I have PCOS (Poly Cystic
Ovarian Syndrome), which is one of the leading causes of infertility in women. Of course I know that I can be a mother by
adopting, and adopting is something that I actually want to do. And of course I
know that God can overrule infertility. Still, considering that I may never
experience personal pregnancy – that was a hard pill to swallow.
As a Christian, I used to have a distorted view of emotions. Somehow I had
concluded that expressing hurt or disappointment was also expressing a lack of
faith. But I don’t think God gave us emotions so that we can spend our lives
repressing them. Healthy emotional expression is necessary. I am thankful for the
minister who recently reminded me that I can cry out to God and let him know my
frustrations. And that is just what I did. I grieved my barrenness, and allowed
him to be part of the grieving process. I let God know how disappointed I was
about not having children. I cried, and I felt His love and concern.
I am back to my place of joy. I still want to be married. I still want
children. But those desires are back in proper perspective. Ultimately, God’s
will is what I want –even if it means giving up some of the selfish things I
desire. Technically I still have some child bearing years left. If more years
pass, and I still find myself without a child, I will probably have to allow
myself to grieve again. And that is OK.
By the way, if there are any married people who may be reading this, please
stop trying to encourage your single, barren friends, by telling them how Sarah
in the Bible gave birth in her old age. That is NOT encouraging. The thought of
giving birth at 90 is enough to make someone depressed. LOL! Seriously though,
allow your friend their space to grieve. Don’t discount their emotions. Cry
with them; let them know that you love them.
To those who may be grieving barrenness, please know that God cares about
your pain. He cares about your tears. He’s big enough to handle your
disappointments. He’s great enough to heal your hurts.
